The first time Vivian Tu got "financially naked" in front of her partner — a term she uses to describe "brutally honest conversations" about money — it was out of desperation.
She was just starting her career on Wall Street and living in a roach-infested apartment in New York City. She had to use her savings to break the lease and move out. So she asked her new boyfriend whether she could temporarily stay at his place.
It was an opportunity to get real with him about her financial situation. She told him: "I have no money. I am broke. I have nothing." That openness ended up strengthening their relationship, she says. Eventually, they got married.
Tu is now an entrepreneur who runs Your Rich BFF, a media company that teaches people about their finances. She says it's critical for couples to talk about money as soon as they can.
It's one of the topics of her latest book, published in February, Well Endowed, which offers advice to young people about making big financial decisions, like getting married or starting a family.
"People think love is enough. It's not. You need to actually know you can build with this person," she says.
To do that, couples need to be vulnerable with each other about money, she says, just as they are in other aspects of their relationship. In a conversation with Life Kit, Tu share financial questions to ask your partner at every stage. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
What sort of money conversations can you have when you're first dating?
You can start talking about money on the very first date.
Do it from a place of fun. Ask: "If I gave you $100,000 to plan a perfect two-week vacation, what would that look like?"
Somebody who wants to climb Mount Everest and someone who wants to go to the Maldives and lay on a beach for two weeks — these are two very different people.
Having those fun money conversations early on makes it easier to be, like, "How much do you make?" Because if we're planning on moving in together, I need to know what the rent can be.
What might you talk about before you become exclusive with a partner?
What are your dreams for your career? Do you want to buy a home? Do you want to live here forever? Are you planning on moving back to your hometown?
These are money conversations that'll help guide the trajectory of your relationship just to make sure that you're on the same financial page.
How do they spend their money? If you know they are in a job where they don't make that much money, but every weekend they're out blowing money on designer stuff — where is that money coming from? Do they just have crazy credit card debt?
This data-collection period is really when you can be smart and learn something about this person and decide if they're going to fit into your life. And are there changes you're willing to make so that you can fit into theirs?
It can be awkward to talk about debt. What's the best way to bring up the topic with your partner?
Instead of asking, "How much debt do you have?" — which feels like an interrogation — it's easier to offer something up.
You might say: Oh, by the way, I may be on a little bit of a tighter budget next month because I'm making a large payment to my student loan or on my credit card.
At that point you can ask, because you've now offered something: "By the way, do you have any credit card debt? Are there any months coming up that you might be feeling tighter financially that we should keep in mind together?"
What should you talk about if you are thinking about moving in together?
If you haven't had any money conversations yet, this is a good moment. This is now a point where you can no longer lie.
When you submit your information for a rental application, you have to show bank statements, proof of employment and proof of income. So it's a really good time to talk about what you make, what you have, what you owe in terms of debt and then what your expenses are every month.
If you can talk about those four categories before moving in together, you should be in a good spot and, frankly, it'll make other conversations a lot easier.
What about when getting married? What do you absolutely need to talk about before you even plan a wedding?
Avoid financial infidelity. That's when you make purchases and deliberately hide them. We shouldn't be hiding bank accounts. We shouldn't be hiding credit cards. It should all be out in the open, and everybody should be OK with it. If they're not, that's a conversation you need to have.
A lot of couples don't know where to begin when it comes to combining finances. What do you recommend?
I like a "yours, mine and ours" strategy and getting those numbers out in the open. You have your money, I have my money, and then we agree to put a percentage into a joint account consistently to fund our expenses together.
What ongoing questions should you have for your spouse or long-term partner?
Constantly just goal setting. How big do we want our family to be? What's that going to cost? Where would we like to live long term?
If you want two kids but end up only having one, that changes the calculus. Or if you're considering moving to where your aging parents live ahead of their retirement, that changes the calculus.
A money conversation is not a one and done. You don't get to do it and just be done with it. It's something you have to have throughout life. At the end of the day, this is just a conversation asking: Are you a good partner? Is your partner a good partner? And do you make a good pair?
