Miscreants should be stopped and required to perform the split at major crossroads, where a healthy audience is guaranteed (File Photo)
Recently, an Instagram reel surfaced on my timeline that compared traffic violations in Norway to those in Mumbai. In it, the comedian Azeem Banatwalla outlines, in hilarious detail, how the amount paid as a fine for a single instance of speeding in Norway can allow a Mumbaikar to break over 40 domestic laws. It would take a reckless deviant with a streak of villainy to commit so many crimes — but as anyone who has driven in Mumbai can attest, there is no shortage of such drivers here.
This stand-up bit is brilliant because it feels accurate. On the Mumbai Traffic Police website, you can find a list of road offences and related penalties. As per this list, there are 233 ways in which you can breach the Motor Vehicles Act, and in most cases, you’d be on the hook for a few hundred or thousand rupees only. Our poor driving etiquette and determination not to follow any traffic rules have gained much notoriety. Perhaps it is time to turn up the heat on contraveners. If paltry fines have failed as deterrence, perhaps exploring other, more impactful punishments could make us a better nation of drivers.
Honking: Many believe it is the horn, and not the accelerator, that propels their cars. Their foot may fall from the pedal, but god forbid their hand ever slip from the honker. These fans of the Old Testament have great faith in the power of sound. They imagine their blaring can part the sea of vehicles ahead of them, so they may proceed Moses-like to their destination. It is time they faced some music.
By law, carmakers should be required to install sensors to track excessive honking. For every instance of horn overuse, the car’s infotainment system should start playing songs, at intolerable volume, that the driver detests. (The driver’s musical tastes can be verified by checking their Spotify playlists.) Fans of Western classical, for example, can be served death metal. Fans of death metal will get Justin Bieber. And for the worst offenders, there’ll be EDM. This medicine is bound to cure the disease of honking.
Lane Discipline: You and I may know that the white markings in the middle of the road are meant to demarcate lanes, but to some drivers, this is an obscure piece of trivia. They consider the white line to be a guiding tool, an axis that must be straddled. Thus, they position their cars squarely on top of it and drive along its length, blocking vehicles in both lanes behind them. This conduct is the automobile equivalent of someone manspreading in the middle seat of an aeroplane, oblivious to the way he occupies two-thirds of the leg space and half the available armrests.
Lane straddlers need to face stricter sanctions: Namely, full splits. If motorists insist on spreading their sedans over multiple lanes, they should show the same agility in splaying their limbs. Cameras can be deployed to observe lane discipline. Miscreants should be stopped and required to perform the split at major crossroads, where a healthy audience is guaranteed. Viewers can even be charged a token fee for this exhibition — I would willingly pay for a front seat — thereby adding a revenue stream for the state.
Flashing Headlamps: The only thing more condescending than honking at someone on a highway is flashing your headlights at them. Dipper blinking is the pinnacle of disrespect. It is a demeaning “Get out of my way, you git!”, communicated in visual Morse code. Those guilty of such behaviour deserve to be paid back in their own coin. So, drivers with a tendency to twitch the lights ought to serve time by walking through busy streets in Mumbai. Throughout this walk, the other pedestrians will call out to the perp — but not by name. The pedestrians will be instructed to use that quintessential Bambaiya technique of drawing someone’s attention: The puckering of the lips to produce a wet, squelchy kissing sound that makes you want to take a shower the minute you hear it. Ten minutes of continual exposure to this ghastly assault is enough to crush anyone’s ego. The criminal will never be haughty via headlamps again.
Toyota Fortuner: This one is quite straightforward, and I cannot imagine anyone having objections to this proposal. Whenever there is a traffic incident, any Toyota Fortuner within a 100-metre radius should automatically be presumed guilty and accordingly prosecuted. Time should not be wasted on needless things like investigations and trials. When a Fortuner is in the fray, we all know who did it. I know some of you believe that driving a Fortuner alone should be notified as a crime, and I’m not saying I disagree, but we live in a democracy. One must strive to ensure that our laws remain just and fair. I believe the solution I’ve offered above meets this requirement.
It will not be easy, of course, to roll out these new rules of traffic violations. But if we can make our roads sing A R Rahman’s 23rd most popular song, I am confident we can also find a way to make these strictures work.
